the impact of social media

Ever since getting Instagram in January, I’ve been on it practically non-stop. Since quarantine, it’s been a way for me to tell myself that I really am checking up on people that I care about by checking their stories or liking their most recent posts and commenting something along the lines of “wow, gorge!” or “stunner” or “wowowowowow this post is everything”. Eventually though, it became a frequent tool in my kit of self-sabotaging weapons. 

I don’t think I’ve always been this critical and judgmental of myself. I vividly remember in February, saying to some other girls “Is it bad that I’m confident and that I’m proud of my body?” Oh, how the tables turn. I’m the most insecure I ever remember being and I’m also at the point where I don’t and can’t even stand on a scale, scared that I’ve gained too much weight. I blame the ability to constantly poke and prod myself, both hoping for and dreading me finding yet another flaw in this body that has enabled me to walk, run, shout, jump, flip (ish), and dance my way through life. I’m also acutely aware that my face isn’t perfectly symmetrical (a partial result of me choosing to let my eyebrows grow out because it’s “better for them”) and I hate that mirroring my camera makes all the difference in the world to me.

Through Instagram, one of the world's most used platforms with over a billion active monthly users, it’s become absolutely impossible to not compare myself to even the people on my feed, let alone any model or someone with what I deem to be “a perfect body”. Social media, especially Instagram, lets us have a ceiling -to-floor window into someone’s life, if they choose to share that much, and while that can be positive for our relationships, especially during this quarantine, it can also be detrimental to ourselves and how we perceive the reflection in the mirror. It definitely was to how I saw myself and even the simplest actions like going over to the explore page and clicking on the first thing that popped up had me thinking about how that person’s body looked in relation to my body, which was when I knew that something probably needed to change.

This little revelation of mine was on a day when I had a therapy appointment scheduled (phew!) and discussing removing Instagram from my phone and what benefits or drawbacks I could get from that was something that came up. I honestly really, really realized that my comparisons were sabotaging me, from the inside out. I couldn’t even name one thing about my body that I liked. Crazy that the girl who flexed her confidence and comfort in her body was now the same one sitting in her room and wondering when her body would finally be pretty and perfect. I deleted Instagram that day, with my therapist’s recommendation that I keep it off my phone until our next visit, two weeks later, and just in time for the holiday season.

I miss the way I used to feel about my body. I miss that I used to celebrate it and nourish it instead of breaking it down with every thought. Since I’ve had Instagram off my phone, I’ve maybe (a little bit) stopped staring at myself in the mirror, 24/7. I also think that trying to change my mindset from “I need to be better” to “I am just as I need to be, but I can make changes for the better, as long as I’m not self-destructing” has helped tremendously. At the end of the day, our bodies are there to provide and nourish us through life and hopefully, we can learn to be gentle with ourselves: mentally, physically, and emotionally.